Archive for the ‘Personal’ Category

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Getting by with a little help from my friends

March 26, 2013

Friends lift while they climb.

I’m a lucky girl.

I’ve been pretty stressed over the last few months. Personal stuff has been happening around me. Business has been a bit slow. The same old demons have continued to plague me.

Finally, in an act of sheer desperation, I did something I almost never do.

I asked for help.

The asking was tentative at first and started with the people closest to me. I had a little cry on my husband’s shoulder and snuggled a bit longer with my kid. I confided in my mom and my sister.

Then I got more brazen and started calling people up.  Not because I wanted to know how they were doing (I did, and they knew that) but because I needed an ear.

Like I said, I’m a lucky girl.

I’ve gotten more support and encouragement from the people around me than I ever could have dreamed possible.

No reason to doubt.

I had no reason to doubt that I could ask for help and get it.  Certainly plenty of people have helped me here and there along the way.

But I’m an INFJ and, true to type, I’m much more likely to relate to you on your terms, making you and your victories or problems the center of the conversation.

Suddenly I realized that asking had become a habit.  I asked my athletic friends for support in getting my fat you-know-what on the elliptical trainer. I asked my smarty-pants entrepreneurial friends for advice on getting new business. I asked my extroverted friends for help dealing with difficult people.

And you know what?  I’ve never felt better.

Facepalm.

I can’t help but think that, all this time, I’ve been cheating myself out of a resource that was right in front of me, ready to be tapped.

So thank you.  Thank you to all those people who’ve lent me their strength, ideas and passion when I needed it.  And thanks to those of you who will.

And when you need a shoulder or an ear, think of me.

Posted in Personal | 3 Comments »

Good morning. I’m six!

March 19, 2013
Somebody's six!

Somebody’s six!

Sunday was Sam’s sixth birthday.

It was also the day of his elder brother’s engagement party, which meant that Sam’s milestone came and went without a whole lot of fanfare.

Monday was a whole different story.

Sam marched into school, chest puffed out.  I trailed behind with an enormous tray of brownies, still warm from the oven.  As we made our way down the hall, Sam greeted everyone he could find:

“Good morning. I’m six!”

Occasionally one of his friends would shake his head in disbelief.  Sam insisted, “No really. I had my birthday!”

This gave me an idea about telling people who you are.

Facepalm

It’s happened to you more than once, I’d wager.

You met someone you know well at a networking event.  A third joined you.  Your friend started to introduce you and then…couldn’t remember what you do.  Or anything else that’s worth saying about you.

She finally stammered, “Uh…well, Ann does web stuff.”

Thanks for the ringing endorsement, buddy.

The Art of Telling People Who You Are

There is an art to telling people who you are.  You don’t want to be pushy or obvious, but hey, I haven’t met any actual mind readers lately, have you?

All too often, we bury ourselves in layer upon layer of obscurity, then expect everyone else to jackhammer through all that sediment to discover what’s at our core. Maybe even we begin to forget what’s down there.

This isn’t surprising.  It’s so hard to be vulnerable. Much easier to encase ourselves in something hard and impenetrable.

But I can think of so many reasons that the world deserves to know you. And if I force myself, I can think of almost as many reasons that the world deserves to know me too.

It’s not an easy road, but it’s critical to becoming the person you were meant to be.

Posted in Marketing, Motivation, Personal, Running Your Business | 2 Comments »

You are stronger than you know

March 5, 2013

Girl Jogging on a bridge

Yesterday was the last day of a tough week.

Last Tuesday, I had a checkup with my oncologist.  I find our annual visits to be exhausting and extremely nerve wracking. This is utterly lost on my doctor who, despite being one of my favorite people, appears to be oblivious to the damage cancer has done to my soul.

After every visit, I resolve to cut him some slack.  After all, he sees sick people every day.   To him, I am a victory, a fair damsel snatched from the jaws of death.

Oh, the checkup?  Everything was fine.

On Wednesday, Ann died.  The other Ann, who had confided in me about her recurrence six months earlier. Everytime I saw her, I’d take her aside and ask how it was going. “I’m doing great!” she’d say. “I survived this thing once, I’ll do it again!”

Her passing came as a complete surprise. I realized when I heard the news that I hadn’t seen her in a few months and kicked myself for not noticing.

Then, on Sunday, I learned that my best friend’s mother was also dying.  Another breast cancer recurrence. She too would be ripped from the world too soon.

To say that these two cases shook me to my core would be a laughable understatement.

There’s a lot of horse trading that goes on in my mind. One of my coping mechanisms when I was sick was to reflect on how, because I was going through treatment, someone else wouldn’t have to.  Someone who might have not been as strong as I was.

Now, the flipside of the coin.  I’m fine, and two other women have died or are dying.

Nothing about any of this is fair or right.

Yesterday I got a pep talk for the ages from my friend Elaine. She said “You are stronger than you know.” This morning, Facebook continued the theme. My friend Krista Riddley posted this reminder: “The Secret: Keep Going.”

And in the end, that’s all we can do.  We have to keep going.  We have to keep making meaning while we can.

What other choice do we have?

Posted in Motivation, Personal | 4 Comments »

Ann’s Eclectic Reading List: Films You Probably Saw

February 7, 2013
Reading

Photo by Paul Bence

Hollywood is forever turning great books into sometimes-good movies and TV shows. For your consideration, here’s a brain dump of some books you really should go right out and read, even though you saw the movie, which may or may not have been decent in its own right, but trust me, you’re missing something. Presented alpha by author:

  • The Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad (film version: Apocalypse Now)
  • Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton
  • Le Petit Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
  • Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky (one recent film version: Match Point)
  • The Complete Adventures of Sherlock Holmes by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (seriously, the stories are WAY better than ANY film version, including BBC’s Sherlock, which is the best screen adaptation).
  • Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe by Fannie Flagg (I DO love this movie, especially this part).
  • One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest by Ken Kesey
  • The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson
  • Watchmen by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons
  • The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
  • The Color Purple by Alice Walker
  • John Does at the End by David Wong

That’s a few anyway.  What have I missed?

Posted in Personal, Writing | Leave a Comment »

What’s more important?

February 5, 2013
Goal Setting

Photo by Angie Torres

Goals goals goals.

We’re all steeped in the process.  Successful people set goals. SMART goals – Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant and Timely. Work on your goals everyday. “Success is the progressive realization of a worthy goal.” Earl Nightingale. Brian Tracy. Tony Robbins. Oprah.

Okay, yes.  Thanks. Absolutely.

But for me, something’s missing from this formula. I discovered it by asking myself this question:

What’s more important? Where I end up? Or the person I’ll be when I get there?

Yes, I want to be on time for everything. Yes, I want to be (or at least appear) perfect. Yes, I want to achieve my super-timely goals. But what good is all that if I wreck all my relationships along the way?

Where did this come from?

It came from me losing my mind because someone I work with wasn’t prepared for a meeting and asked me to reschedule it. I went ballistic.  How dare you drop the ball?  How dare you make me look like a jerk? No wonder clients don’t trust us.  Etc.

I raged for about an hour and a half.  I was hot, and I shamed this person into submission.  Or maybe not.  He’s kind of used to it.

And then, there it was.  What’s more important?

  • What’s more important?  My relationship with my friend and creative partner?  Or the judgment of a client who will move on as soon as we complete her project?
  • What’s more important? Making this meeting or presenting our best work?
  • What’s more important? The goal, or the person I’ll be when I get there?

Decide what’s important.

Each of us must actively decide what’s most important.  All too often, we assume that the urgent thing is also the important thing, but making that assumption can lead us astray.

That’s because urgency is about other people’s priorities, not our own.

I have a top three list of things that matter most.  Call it my life’s purpose:

  • Connection: Creating and nurturing timeless, loving, respectful relationships.
  • Learning: Expanding my perspective and abilities by learning new things.
  • Creation: Discovering and creating art that is whole and beautiful.

What I’ve found is, if I’m doing these things, I am automatically more present, courageous, humble, authentic, curious, and vital.

My purpose may not be your purpose. That’s absolutely fine.  But you might want to think about what your purpose is. I’ve found there’s no better measuring stick for my success in any moment.

As for goals?

I’m not saying you shouldn’t have goals. I’m saying that, whatever your goal, the only moment you will ever have is this one, right now. Use it wisely.  And take care not to trample others on your way.  If that matters to you.  It does to me.

Posted in Motivation, Personal, Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

You never know

January 29, 2013
Full disclosure: this is not a photo of Bev and me.

Full disclosure: this is not a photo of Bev and me.

You never know what effect a simple act of honesty will have on the life of another person.

My defining moment

Bev Nerenberg and I go back about three lifetimes. Also her husband, Lowell Nerenberg, but I digress.

I’ll never forget the first time I sat down with Bev.  It was 2002. (I was 12 years old. What!? I was!)

Bev and I had met at a tradeshow and decided to follow up over coffee.

I was new in business and had created my very first piece of collateral – a rather formal, stuffy flyer with a list of services and a couple of testimonials.  It was totally devoid of anything resembling a design (or a personality).

Bev and I got comfy, then I walked her through my flyer.  She made a face at me.

It wasn’t the kind of face you want to see in this situation. She was sizing me up.

Bev said, “Can I be honest with you?”

I faked it. “Of course!”

“Look,” she said, in her characteristic straight-shooter tone, “I don’t know who this flyer goes with, but it’s not you. You are so much better than this.”

I was speechless.

She went on. “I look at you and I see a bubbly, vivacious, passionate person.  And this flyer is anything but.”

That conversation changed my life

If you know me IRL, you know I’m different.  Blending in is not something I do.  But I wasn’t always this way.

As I’ve written about elsewhere, I spent most of my life trying to be one of the girls.  Don’t rock the boat, don’t stick your neck out, don’t try to be different.  In fact, be invisible if you can, because no one will accept you.

Bev’s honesty set me on the path to the woman you see today – confident, self-assured, and insistent that her true self shines through. It didn’t happen over night, but it happened.  Because of Bev.

Here’s the important bit

I recently had the opportunity to share this story with Bev, and you know what?  She didn’t even remember the conversation.

People, you never know.  And you probably never will.

Remember this

Someday soon, you’re going to have to make a choice.  Are you going to take the blue pill or the red pill? No wait, that’s something else.

You’re going to have to decide whether to tell someone the truth or to smooth things over. You’re going to have to decide if an inauthentic relationship is worth having.

Remember this story in that moment.  Your decision could change a life.  Let it.

Posted in Helping Others, Motivation, Personal | 10 Comments »

Star of the Week

January 14, 2013
Sam and Little Fox during last week's power outage.

Sam and Little Fox during last week’s power outage.

Sam is Star of the Week.

In kindergarten, each child gets a turn as Star of the Week.  Here are the instructions:

  • Bring in photos of yourself and your family and Mrs. Hauck will tack them up on the bulletin board.
  • Keep a journal for the whole week chronicling your adventures with Little Fox, the class mascot.
  • At the end of the week, make a presentation to the class about yourself, using the photos and your journal as prompts.
  • Also, mom is expected to bake brownies or something.

(Of course I did).

Making Friends

Star of the Week gave me an idea about going deeper in your working relationships.

In the real world, we don’t have the luxury of pre-ordained stars of the week.  We have to go out of our way to get to know others.

Do you have a colleague who refers business to you all the time?  Maybe someone you work with every single day or multiple times a week? Even if the two of you consider yourselves friends away from work, it’s easy to get in a rut where you only see that person through your work glasses.

You don’t mean to be judging people solely on how they make their ABCs, do you? Wouldn’t it be more fun if you got to know them on a whole different level?

Back in the 70s, when I was in kindergarten, we called this “making friends.”  And there’s no better way to show your appreciation.

Sobbing with Others

Last weekend, I organized a group (of ladies) to see Les Misérables.  I did this for the entirely selfish reason that I think it’s kind of pathetic to sob by yourself in a movie theater, and my husband flat out refused to go with me. (Even Dave has his limits).

As it turned out, everyone who came was a “work friend” – someone I met through work first and became friends with later. (And really, how often do you meet a new friend some other way?) We had a blast.

A few ideas for application…

You don’t have to do things my way.  Here are a few ideas to get you going.  Try to do one a week.  You’ll feel more connected and (I venture to guess) happier too:

  • Call a contact out of the blue to let them know you were thinking about them.  You don’t need a reason beyond that.
  • Schedule a movie/rollerskating/bowling night just because.
  • Have lunch with a former client or work buddy, but don’t talk business (agree to this in advance!)
  • Tag a friend when sharing content that reminded you of them.
  • Send a greeting card you picked out just for your friend. E-cards are okay too, but we love getting mail!

It’s easy to let the little things slide, but maintaining relationships is key to a successful business and life.

Posted in Helping Others, Marketing, Personal, Running Your Business | Leave a Comment »

Embracing Complexity

December 28, 2012
Embracing Complexity

Photo by Aaron Geller

Nobody quite believes I’m an introvert.

We’re complicated beings, aren’t we? The introvert who can talk for hours about her business (or her children)? The poet who can show you the most efficient way to organize a spreadsheet? The unassuming administrative assistant who dreams in French?

For many years I tried to elicit conformity from the world. So much the better that you don’t fit in my box.

Complexity is a miraculous thing. Embrace it.

Posted in Motivation, Personal, Running Your Business | Leave a Comment »

Challenge Your Assumptions

December 27, 2012

Think: what else could it be?

It’s human nature to make assumptions.  Assumptions may save your life.  For example:

  • Look at that unfamiliar berry growing in the wild! It’s probably poisonous.
  • What a colorful snake! It could be venomous.
  • Woah, a tiger.  It’s most likely peckish.

All of these are life saving assumptions handed down through social conditioning and/or the collective unconscious.

But what about the other kind?

Here’s what I figured out recently: if you have a problem you can’t solve, check your assumptions.

An assumption is simply an unchallenged belief. And if you fail to challenge a belief, you will find evidence of that belief everywhere you look.

Get in the habit of asking yourself, “What else could it be?”

This is the fastest and best way I know of to solve a persistent problem.

Posted in Helping Others, Motivation, Personal, Running Your Business | Leave a Comment »

Time and the D Word

December 20, 2012
The Passage of Time

Photo by Toni Verdú Carbó

The concept of time (or a lack of it) has been showing up over and over again lately. I’ve started to think that the universe is trying to tell me something.

The difference between kids and grownups

Yesterday, I was rushing my son to get ready for an outing.  I’d finally gotten him to the front hall when he stopped to ask me this question: “Mommy, do you know the difference between kids and grownups?”

“I’m not sure,” I replied, exasperated.  “What is the difference between kids and grownups?”

“Well, for kids,” he replied, in his best didactic tone, “time moves SO slowly.  And for grownups, it moves very fast. So if it seems like 15 minutes to you, it seems like 100 hours to me.”

I remember that feeling, don’t you?  Your mom would say “Hurry up! We have to leave in 15 minutes!”  And you’d think, “What’s your rush? 15 minutes is forever.”

You can’t do everything yourself

I’ve been a grownup for a while now, and for years I’ve suffered from the persistent feeling that there aren’t enough hours in the day.  Boy, have I gotten good at lamenting the problem.

How can I be a salesperson and a programmer and an entrepreneur and a bookkeeper and a customer service rep all at once?  And still have time for my family and exercise and playing guitar and writing my novel?

The answer is: I can’t.  And neither can you.

There is no other answer

One time, I was participating in an eWomen Network Wisdom Circle.  That’s where you bring a problem and the other nine women at the table brainstorm solutions.  I said, “I’m drowning in a sea of work. I need to know how to manage my time better, and don’t tell me I need to delegate.”

How I hated the D word!  It was so easy to say and so impossible to do. I’d been trying and failing to delegate forever, not because I was unwilling, but, as I now understand it, because I didn’t know how.

My friends and colleagues, who had been brimming over with ideas for the rest of our participants, blinked at me in stony silence.  They had nothing.

I could fill the rest of this post and then some with the names of all the people who’ve encouraged me to figure out the delegation thing over the years. Congratulations. You were all right. There’s no other answer.

Time management isn’t enough

You can study all the time gurus and become really efficient at managing your time, but there’s a limit.  Too much will always be too much. And that’s when you have to get serious about choosing your battles.

Everyone knows delegation is the answer. What we don’t realize is that delegating is a skill.  It has to be learned, and it takes time.  If you’re like me, it will take years and you’ll make about a million mistakes along the way.

Persist!  You will find the right people. You will learn to trust them. You will.

More wisdom from Sam

Yeah, I rush my kid.  I’m not the only one.

Last summer, Sam was staying with my sister for a few days.  She was pushing him along, trying to get him ready to go one place or another.  He’d finally had enough.

“K,” he said, “sometimes slow is the way to go.”

It’s a boon not to feel anxious and stressed, but there’s an even better reason to give yourself the gift of time.  You can’t do your best work any other way.

Posted in Motivation, Personal, Running Your Business, Time Management | Leave a Comment »

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